insomnia

I never thought I'd be one of those people who really loved to sleep. I've always been an early riser and rarely nap. I just feel like there are so many things to be doing and I'm wasting time if I am sleeping. I go to bed early to ensure my eight hours and switch off the alarm at the first buzz. I didn't even know the snooze button existed for the first twenty-something years of my life. I always hit the ground running.

Every night when I get in bed I read or do sudoku (insert geek joke here) and try to get my mind to begin the shift into neutral. Only lately, my mind hasn't slowed down at night. It's still motoring, gears turning, full speed ahead. In that small moment, just before I turn out the light my head fills. Worries and what-ifs. Doubts. Anxiousness. Analysis. Over-analysis. As the external world fades into quiet, these thoughts come shouting into my brain.

There are two demons at work here. One is the nagging worry. I said something stupid. It's going to storm. What if I never fall in love? The other demon is my need for control. I can't change what I said. I can't dictate the weather. I can't make love happen. I am not in charge. Both demons lead to fear. Fear curls up in the corner of the brain and settles in at the most vulnerable times. For me, it is that edge between awake and asleep.

So I find myself on the attack. The best way I know to fight demons is through prayer. Here is my new nightly prayer:

God, this day has been yours from beginning to end. As I pass into sleep, please keep my thoughts on you and your countless blessings. Speak to me, Lord, in my dreams and in the stillness. May I be reminded of your unconditional love and faithfulness. And may I be filled with a peace that comes from knowing you hold me in your hands of protection and grace. Amen.

So now I will turn down the covers, push the dog to her side of the bed, flip the switch, and talk to God. And get what I never thought I'd need so badly.

A little sleep.

a few years worth of wisdom

Advice to the Me I Used to Be:

1. You'll make plans. God will have different ones. Be flexible.

2. Overalls were not, and never will be stylish.

3. Pay attention. To people. To your surroundings. Soak in God's blessings.

4. Leave. Go somewhere. See the world before the excuses set in.

5. You can teach tough kids.

6. You really should balance your checkbook.

7. First impressions are confusing, and should often be totally ignored.

8. If he isn't trying, he isn't interested.

9. Just because it's what is expected of you, it doesn't make it right.

10. Make eye contact. You never know.

the tree on the wall

I'm going to build a tree today. A tree on the wall. Its trunk - brown paper, its leaves - plastic, its effect - magical.

I built my tree last year too. It took six hours, about a thousand tacks, and a ladder twice my height. But when my students walk in and see the tree on the wall, the one arching over their library filled with books waiting to to be discovered and loved, they stare in awe.

There is a tree. In their classroom. A shady spot to read. And suddenly it's no longer paper, plastic, and thumbtacks. It's a world beyond their hard lives where adventure and laughter wait.

And the tree invites them in.

can you be?

you bring the question forward
that lurks in back my brain
swept in cobwebs of regret
and too many should-have-beens.
a hope gone stale to disenchantment,
bitter,
begins to slide out of shadow
and with hesitation seeks the light.