goodbye

One of the hazards of my job is that I care. I care a lot. I care to the point where my life weaves in with the lives of my students. You can't teach in a place like this and not give yourself daily to these children. Each one has a little fragment of my heart.

Today one left. It was unexpected. He has been my biggest struggle, the thorn in my side, the focus of so much energy and so many nights lying awake at 4 am. His anger and intimidation of other students could be overwhelming at times. Yet, underneath the entire time was a wounded soul - hurt, lost, on shaky ground that left him fearful of abandonment. I saw the real him, like rays of light peeking through cracks in storm clouds. I wanted to help him, to be the hand that reached into that lonely place and pulled him out of the dark that was his anger and fear. But now I won't get that chance. He left today for another school, another teacher, another hole to hide in. And now comes the really hard part of my job - letting go. I have cared and hugged and listened and now I watch as he turns the corner and out of my life to a future unknown to me or him. I have to release him to other hands and trust that along the way God will use the piece of my heart that I have planted in this child to bring some good to his life and to the world around him.

And yet, life moves forward. Another child moves in and takes his place. He will sit in his desk, in his corner of the room, and he will look at me with eyes that seek love and acceptance and I will give a fragment of my heart to him. And I will hope.

nothing to wear

You should know something about me. I hate trying on clothes. Sizes are always different and mirrors are deceiving. I only shop when I have one thing in mind and then I am focused and direct. The hard part is, I almost never find what I am looking for. I was thinking about this the other day as I was shoe shopping for some brown flats. My brain being what it is and never content to mindlessly search for footwear, began to wander into the realm of meaning and purpose to which it visits often, but is never entirely comfortable. Thus, I have stumbled across an analogy that I feel befits my life at this juncture. I am proud of this thought for two reasons: First, it came to me while shopping, which is not a particularly philosophical pursuit. And second, I am quite terrible at analogies and feel that this is a weakness which must be remedied so that I can appear more intelligent than I am in conversations with people of superior intellect. So without further adieu, I present my thought for the day:


My life is like a dressing room. I am forever trying things on - different job, different city, different friends - and nothing seems to fit. Everything gets tossed into that reject pile of things that were too tight or too loose or too itchy. And the mirror by which I judge is distorted so that nothing ever appears as it really is and I am left questioning whether what I am wearing at the time is a good fit. And if I continue this pattern - trying on, reflecting, rejecting - I am afraid that in the end all I will be left with is a bunch of empty hangers.


I know. It's deep. I'll give you a minute to think on it. In the meantime, does anyone know where I can find a really cute pair of brown flats?

reprint

I'm cheating. This is something I have posted elsewhere. But I like it and I'm lazy. So there.


Things to feel thankful for when teaching in the (almost) inner city.

10. Having a kid who put paint all over his face sit in the front of the room for 15 minutes and having his mom think you're brilliant for it

9. New dictionaries are like gold and are treated with wonder and respect...until the first dirty word is found and all awe ceases in a fit of giggles

8. Being able to say the word "b****" in a parent teacher conference

7. Less lack of respect for being young because you are the same age as their moms

6. The moment when you realize you don't want that trouble-maker to leave because he is making so much progress.

5. Being there when your kids see their first, and perhaps only, ballet performance.

4. Hugs that squeeze the life out of you because they are the only ones they get

3. Not being the one on recess duty when the curse words are found written in sidewalk chalk by the swingset.

2. Not being the one on recess duty when the used condom is found by the basketball court

1. On your worst day teaching, you are some child's best hope.

skipping school

It is the an eerie feeling to leave school in the middle of the day. You know that life will go on without you, kids will come and go from the room, and teaching and learning will still happen. (Though in my case this is usually accompanied by complete destruction of the room and bringing the substitute close to tears.) As I drove away from the school at noon today, blowing my nose and trying not to cough all over my steering wheel, I got to thinking about how uncomfortable I am knowing that I am not needed. Now I'm not saying that I don't make a difference, that what I do doesn't matter, but ultimately, life goes on without me. I think I am uncomfortable with this feeling because of my tendency to think of myself as the center of the universe. Almost everything I do, even when I am giving or helping others, I do because I gain something from it. This is hard to admit.

All of this makes me wonder what God thinks about me thinking about myself this way. (A confusing sentence, no? An even more confusing thought...) Essentially I make myself God every day. I put myself in His place and seek to bring more glory to myself rather than to Him. And if I am uncomfortable not being needed and important - I, who have little to offer other than a great guacamole recipe, bad jokes, and a knowledge of random useless trivia - how then does God - Creator of the universe, King of Kings, Alpha and Omega - feel when I do not make him important? When I live like I don't need Him? I think he is more than uncomfortable.

A tough thought to chew on and one I plan on exploring, especially since the only thing I have to do right now is blow my nose and drink plenty of fluids. Who says skipping school can't change your life?

i'm here

I have a blog now. I am so modern and hip. (Do modern and hip people say "modern and hip"?) I will probably post here daily for a week, then every few days, and then once every six months before I forget entirely about it and move onto some other diverting activity. I am not saying this to be pessimistic. I am saying this because I know myself and I am not a finisher. I am a starter, an idea person, a make-a-list-and-lose-it kind of girl. So enjoy it while it lasts. I will too.